Thursday, April 10, 2008

Shawn Johnson is Chuck Norris

Guns don't kill people. Shawn Johnson kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Shawn Johnson allows to live.

Shawn Johnson does not sleep. She waits.

The chief export of Shawn Johnson is Pain.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Shawn Johnson 3. Cancer.

Shawn Johnson is my Homegirl.

Shawn Johnson doesn't go hunting.... SHAWN JOHNSON GOES KILLING.

Shawn Johnson uses pepper spray to spice up her steaks.

Shawn Johnson flipped so fast that she broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Shawn Johnson's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Shawn Johnson is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Shawn Johnson out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Shawn Johnson, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked in the shins.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Shawn Johnson has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Shawn Johnson what time it is, she always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" she face washes you.

When Shawn Johnson sends in her taxes, she sends blank forms and includes only a picture of herself, crouched and ready to attack. Shawn Johnson has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Shawn Johnson's fist.

Shawn Johnson invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Shawn Johnson Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Shawn Johnson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Shawn Johnson is the only woman to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone fighting with Shawn Johnson as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Shawn Johnson doesn't churn butter. She double twists her way at the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Shawn Johnson doesn’t wash her clothes, she disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Shawn Johnson and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Shawn Johnson will attain statehood in 2009. Her state flower will be the Magnolia.

If you spell Shawn Johnson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Shawn Johnson once and she will face wash you.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Shawn Johnson played in second grade.

Shawn Johnson once shot down a German fighter plane with her finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Shawntatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Shawn Johnson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when she crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned gymnastics.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Shawn Johnson's warm-up exercises.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Shawn Johnson turned that wine into beer.

Shawn Johnson can hit you so hard that she can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no one. Unless that person is Shawn Johnson.

Shawn Johnson doesn't shower, she only takes blood baths.

The Shawn Johnson military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Shawn Johnson could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Shawn Johnson could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Shawn Johnson competes.

When Shawn Johnson goes to donate blood, she declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Shawn Johnson has breathed on.

Shawn Johnson sheds her skin twice a year.


Teen Reader said...


GymnasticsAddict said...

Holy crap, that was seriously the best thing ever!! I loved the mutant ninja part, that made my year. almost. unless Shawn wins the Olympics.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Shawn Johnson once swallowed a turtle whole, and when she crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned gymnastics."

I'm going to memorize that and tell it to everyone I know. brilliant beyong belief.

Kayleigh said...

Well thank you! :D

I'm going to try and find more... we'll see. :)